how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
