Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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