There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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