i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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