Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
