My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Mom said you looked used
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
