Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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