It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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