Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
