yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
