I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
