2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
True college students do jello shots in the library
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