I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
