Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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