nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
