I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
