that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
