Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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