please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
