11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize