My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
