Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
