I just pynch a tree in the face
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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