..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
