Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
