my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Farmville is her only friend.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
