dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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