There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
