I wish i was in the wii world.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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