you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
