You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Shame is for Republicans.
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