Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
