dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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