well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
