He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
