I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I wish there were birth control emojis
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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