there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
