I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
my poor anus
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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