my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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