Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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