We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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