You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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