There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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