A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
