Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
