I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
