Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
