Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
