He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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