rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
