I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize