Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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