Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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