Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
