i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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