I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
