Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
