I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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