I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
