Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
