first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
